The Kitchenless Cook
'I only eat my oysters naked!'
By Bill Knutson

When GraceAnn Walden uttered these words as I was serving the first of many rounds of fresh Sweetwater oysters from Hog Island Oyster Company, I was quite dismayed. I didn’t really expect her to strip down to eat oysters, but the vision did pop into my head, and it was her birthday party, so she could have done pretty much whatever she wanted, and I wasn’t going to argue. But, then the true intention of her remark sunk in, and I thought, Oh no, I’m going to have to shuck the entire bushel (10 dozen oysters) and I won’t get to dazzle her with any of the toppings I had planned. But, even though it was her birthday, she is a professional – she kept her clothes on and agreed to try out a few of my dressed oysters. To my pleasure and hers, she found that she actually enjoys a well-dressed oyster.
I do understand why she prefers her oysters naked – that wonderful briny taste of an oyster recently plucked from the water is really all you ever need. So, when I dress my oysters, I just want to add a layer of flavors that will frame and enhance the oysters. I like to think it adds an air of mystery much like lingerie. Many places will dress the oysters in so many layers that they look prepared to sit through a 49ers game at Candlestick Point in late November. That’s just not sexy on a food that so many people consider to be an aphrodisiac.
The highlight of the evening came at the end when GraceAnn’s birthday cake was revealed. When the cake was ordered, we wanted to ensure her name was spelled correctly, so we were very clear with the bakery clerk, “GraceAnn, one word with a capital ‘A.’” As you can see from the photo, they followed our instructions to the letter.
So here are a few of the ways I dressed the oysters for the party. The first two are for raw oysters and the second two are for grilled. When grilling oysters, place them directly over a hot flame and when they start to pop open, or the juices start bubbling out, remove them from the grill using an oven mitt and remove top shell. Add the dressing and return to the grill for a few minutes. Do not cook too long or the oysters will shrivel up and get chewy.

Hope you had a happy birthday, GraceAnn!

Cheers,
Bill

Raw Oyster Dressing #1

A sprinkle of minced cilantro
A squeeze of lime juice
A few drops of Tapatio hot
sauce

Raw Oyster Dressing #2

A few drops of O Olive Oil
A few drops of O Citrus
Champagne Vinegar
A squeeze of Meyer lemon

Grilled Oyster Dressing #1

3 tablespoons olive oil
5 cloves of garlic, minced
1 tablespoon Italian parsley,
minced
2 tablespoons Pecorino Romano
cheese, grated

Combine the oil, garlic and parsley in a small saucepan and simmer over medium heat until garlic starts to brown slightly. Spoon approximately 1 teaspoon into each oyster and top with a pinch of cheese. Grill until cheese starts to melt. This should be enough dressing for approximately 24 oysters.

Grilled Oyster Dressing #2

3 tablespoons ketchup
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
1 tablespoon maple syrup
2 teaspoons red chili pepper
flakes

Combine all ingredients in a bowl and mix well. Spoon 1 teaspoon of sauce over each oyster and grill until sauce starts to bubble, approximately 2 minutes. This should be enough dressing for approximately 24 oysters.