THE FINAL WORD
by Bruce Bellingham

Here it is July already, and my chances of making some big money by the end of the year are growing slimmer with each passing day. 

I’m not the only one in trouble, of course. Who would have imagined that the bank would foreclose on Ed McMahon’s house? Aside from being Johnny Carson’s sidekick for all those years, he was the face on TV of the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes, personally ringing people’s doorbells and turning them into instant millionaires. Ed was the personification of good fortune, high hopes, the yearning for a life without money troubles. Now Ed’s story is like millions of other stories in the cold light of day and destitution: a house depreciating by the minute, behind on the mortgage, a few divorces, health problems, unemployment. If Ed McMahon can fall trough the cracks, what does that say about the country as a whole? As a whole, it’s in a hole.

But I’m not about to give up hope.
I was inspired by a recent incident in Florida where a couple of teenagers thought it would be fun to throw a drink into the face of a young lady working at the window of a drive-thru fast food franchise. This is apparently a game called “Fire In the Hole.” The kids throw a drink back at the hapless employee, videotape the malicious act and then uplink it on YouTube. The young victim did some pretty good police work. She tracked the perps by their faces on YouTube to their MySpace accounts, “made friends” with them and then got ahold of one of the parents, and spilled the beans. The police got into it. The teens were charged with assault. It’s an old crime with a modern twist, using the trappings, if you will, of the watershed implements of our time, YouTube and MySpace.

The judge caught on. He sentenced the kids to 100 hours of community service. In addition, he ordered them to record and uplink an obsequious apology on YouTube. It made national news. This puts the stocks and pillory to shame.

It also gives me an idea for a get-rich-quick scheme in an era of get-poor-much-too-fast schemes. Of course, you don’t need a scheme to go broke anymore. All you’ve got to do is stand still and breathe. You’ll be out of money in a matter of minutes.

My idea? Greeting cards. Apologies-in-advance greeting cards. For example: “I am sorry for what I will likely do to you one day. It’s not that I dislike you, I’m simply clumsy, and I’m bound to hurt your feelings. Forgive me.” Or perhaps: “You are the best thing that ever happened to me, but since you let me use your credit card, I’m a changed person. Sorry about that.” The categories are numerous. There could be apologies in advance for cheating, lying, plagiarism, indecent exposure, embezzlement, blasphemy, necrophilia, even secretly pouring ouzo over your cornflakes in the morning. Perhaps there might be apologies in order for agreeing with the lunatic who’d like to keep our troops in Iraq for the next 100 years. There might even be apologies in advance for trying to nick my idea for greeting cards for apologies-in-advance – but forget it. I already got a copyright.
I have no doubt this will be a sure-fire hit. I might even make enough dough to help out Ed McMahon.

When George Bush allegedly went to Europe last month, do you know what he was really doing? That’s right. He was signing piles and piles of the new apology cards. 
He has a whole lot of rueful writing to do before his term is up next January.