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Chef’s Chat: Hanging with Mrs. Claus
By GraceAnn Walden


Recently, I was hanging out on 24th Street getting my Mexican-central American fix. As I cruised the sausages at Casa Lucas (they carry Mexican, Salvadoran and Spanish), I was surprised to see a woman who looked a lot like Mrs. Claus. For a minute, I thought I was having some kind of ’60s LSD flashback.
What convinced me that she was the real deal was that she was accompanied by some really short fellows with pointed hats and turned up shoes, but wearing jeans. Other than their stature, they could have been bike messengers or refugees from the Zeitgeist bar. No one in the Mission gave them a second look. The elves were along to tote her shopping bags.
Seeing my curious look, she cheerily said, “You know, dear, I could shop anywhere in the universe, but the selection of sausages and the tamales to go are superior here. Santa craves their ripe avocadoes – and they’re such a good price.”

I was so intrigued by her shopping habits, that I asked her if I could accompany her. Hey, I’m up for a sleigh ride. But in an egalitarian move, Mrs. Claus had a Muni pass, so we hopped streetcars, buses, whatever.

In San Francisco, Mrs. Claus, whose first name is Holly, shops at Whole Paycheck, (yes, she calls it that, too), Bi-Rite, Bryan’s, 24th Street, North Beach, and Chinatown.
She says that Santa (she calls him Nik), has a worldly palate, and it’s easy for her to dip down to the City for what she needs in her international pantry.

After getting the best chorizo for her tacos, cotija cheese and corn tortillas at Casa Lucas, we stopped to munch on a tamale sold outside the store by the other tamale lady.
Putting her purchases in my Focus, we jumped on a Mission bus. Holly likes to go green when she can, so we left my car on 24th and started across town.

In Chinatown, we swung by Ben, the herbalist, on Jackson Street, to fill her prescription. Ben is originally from Vietnam and spent time in refugee camps before coming here. Using a handheld counterweight scale, he weighed out herbs and roots to fill her scrip. Mrs. Claus told me that even at the North Pole she has an excellent acupuncturist, chiropractor and massage therapist. She said that Santa is really into bodywork and always needs a treatment after making his Christmas rounds. As she explained, all that chimney jumping is hard on the back and knees.

We then cruised Stockton and picked up some sauces, chili-pickled tofu and 1,000-year-old eggs. “We can get fresh veggies for stir-fries air-expressed in, but I also need a pantry stocked with funky chili tofu and oyster sauce,” she explained

Holly said that she and Nik are looking into growing some veggies hydroponically.
Mrs. Claus keeps up with the dining scene everywhere on the Internet, although she says these days the Chron’s “Inside Scoop” is pretty boring. She reads John Mariani, The New York Times, and A.A. Gill in The Sunday Times from London.

Looking a little tired, I asked her where she wanted to dine. “I’d really like to try some barbeque – it’s hard to come by at the North Pole.” She went on to explain that not many African-Americans have opted for her cooler clime.

She also said her entire village, including the elves, voted for Obama. They despise Sarah Palin. It seems they can see her and her brood from their front porch and it doesn’t make them happy.

Back in my car, we hunkered down on some barbeque from Lilly’s on Divisadero. This is a strictly to-go joint for down-home barbeque. For many years it was called Brother-in-Laws.
We kicked back in my Focus, delivered from 24th Street by one of the elves, and hunkered down on two three-ways (brisket, chicken and ribs). Mrs. Claus was one happy camper and so were the elves.

After we scarfed down the ’que and our sodas, I noticed a sleigh hovering over Divisadero Street. Before I could say, Merry Christmas, Holly shook my hand (we were both covered in ’que sauce) and hopped onto the sleigh.
As she rode off in the night,
I thought I heard her say, “Bon appetit!”

GraceAnn Walden loves the Claus family and barbeque. At Christmas, she offers gift certificates to her walking tours of San Francisco neighborhoods; visit www.graceannwalden.net for more information.

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